Ever get this email from your narcissistic parent?
It's no secret that narcissists seem to operate from the same playbook, but to really emphasize this fact I've made a little breakdown.
It's a breakdown outlining the anatomy of a letter/email/voice mail/whatever correspondence from a narcissistic parent after you've lowered contact with them.
(And even if the narcissist in your life is not a parent, I'm sure you've seen this breakdown from whoever the narcissist in your life is.)
Here's the general outline on what you've probably received:
Part 1: Overly formal, guilt trippy, or love bomb-esque greeting
Part 2: The play dumb sandwich with guilt trip bread
Part 3: Pre-conclusion love bomb, devalue discard trifecta
Part 4 (optional): Actual conclusion consisting of something along the lines of “i LoVe & MiSs YoU sOoO mUcH!”
But let's break it down further, because of course.
Part 1: Overly formal, guilt trippy, or love bomb-esque greeting
Option 1: greeting of just your first name (overly formal greeting)
Option 2: “I haven’t reached out in [insert # of weeks/months/years/etc.] because of fear of making you more angry with me for whatever strange reason I seem to have upset you” (jumping right into the guilt trip, designed to make you seem unreasonable and horrible, feel bad about your decision to put yourself first, and make you second-guess your sanity)
Option 3: “hello my wonderful daughter/son/adult child!” (the love bomb-esque angle to gain your trust)
Which option they go with just depends on which one they think is going to get supply from you, which is always the narcissist's goal.
Before we continue, you might be wondering what IS supply? This is your emotional reaction, energy, time, engagement in pointless conversations, etc.
It will make no sense to you at first when you're a normal person with empathy who doesn't have this type of life goal... but the sooner you accept this is the narcissist's goal, the more sense things are going to make.
Now let's get into part 2...
Part 2: The play dumb sandwich with guilt trip bread
Bread: Starts off with something along the lines of how they’re feeling so awful crying themselves to sleep every night over you not talking to them (which isn’t true, but they want you to think it is so you feel like an asshole. People who feel guilty are easier to control after all, and if they can make you feel guilty, you're more likely to give them what they want - your reaction, time, engagement, ie SUPPLY)
Meat: Then they start playing dumb and not understanding why you haven’t talked to them in X amount of time. (They know. They just want to play dumb to really make you feel guilty and like this horrible monster who lowered contact for absolutely no reason. And I promise you - your reasons for lowering contact were BEYOND valid!)
Bread: Their depression is getting worse because of all this stress you caused them (never mind YOUR depression from all the abuse you endured from them - because it's not about you! It's always about them and their insatiable need for supply. So you better feel guilty for giving them this depression they supposedly have!)
Bonus bread: Sprinkle in some health problems for added guilting. (Isn't it ironic how their health problems seem to crop up when you start doing what's right for you? And that's because it's not a coincidence, it's BS to make you feel even more guilty. Plus, even if they were being honest, you have NO control over another person's health and you're not their doctor)
Part 3: Pre-conclusion love bomb, devalue discard trifecta
Reminding you of one or two nice love-bomb things they did for you, for example getting you a gift for a holiday or your birthday, or fulfilling their legal obligations as a parent that kept CPS off their radar (food, shelter, clothing, you know... the general jail-avoiding stuff they have to do)
Love bomb: Telling you how highly they speak about you to all their friends (might be true if they’re trying to look like a good parent to their friends for the optics. Image is everything to a narcissist, so if they can have others believe they're such a loving wonderful parent, their little ego gets soothed. Truth is irrelevant to narcissists!)
Devalue: Accuses you of misunderstanding their communication and you misinterpreted their good intentions (because something's wrong with you and how you interpreted their good nature. It surely can't be because they've abused you your entire life and now they're just bullshitting you. (That was sarcasm in case it wasn't clear!))
Discard: “I don’t want a response,” or “I need time to heal,” or “you’re probably not going to read this/listen to this,” or "if I'm so unlovable then I guess I'll just leave you be". (And they'll say any variation of this to make you feel like you need to console them and coddle their fragile little ego. You don't. It's just a manipulation tactic!)
Now this pre-conclusion can sometimes just be the conclusion. But we have part 4, which is optional. Just depends if they feel like they need to throw in another love bomb to gain your trust and ensure a response from you.
Part 4 (optional): Actual conclusion consisting of something along the lines of “i LoVe & MiSs YoU sOoO mUcH!”
Option 1: “i LoVe & MiSs YoU sOoO mUcH!”
Option 2: “I hope that you can maybe possibly find it in your heart to soul search and forgive me for whatever it is that you think that I did to you that was so horrible” (another layer of guilting you, and even shaming you into believing you're this awful unforgiving demon, while using as many words as possible)
Option 3: “Don’t forget, I will ALWAYS be your MOTHER!” (...yeah and...? But they just need to remind you, in case you forgot. Because the title of mother, or father, or parent, puts them on a pedestal in our society that's all about family! This is said to make you feel guilty for having the audacity to recognize that just because someone is a parent, it doesn't mean they're automatically a wonderful person, and unfortunately you got dealt a shitty hand with parents you didn't choose to have!)
Option 4: [insert some sort of religious angle about whatever holy book they subscribe to being unimpressed with you for not honouring your mother or father] (because the wrath of the religious figure they subscribe to is gonna get you!)
Option 5: “I just hope you’ve found happiness in your life” (guilt trip in disguise as a love bomb)
You get the idea.
So that's the basic gist of our breakdown today. Feel free to compare this breakdown with any correspondence you have from your narcissistic parent and see if it matches! And if you don't have the correspondence to compare this with anymore because you decided you didn't need this BS - that's okay! There's no need to hang on to the reminders, and if hanging onto the reminders is helpful for you to avoid slipping back into old patterns that's okay too! There are no wrong ways to go about it.
Just remember this:
The whole goal of this type of correspondence is to get you in an emotionally bamboozled state so you increase contact and start giving them the supply they feel entitled to like the good old days.
I hope this empowers you to NOT take the bait.
Remember: narcissists use guilt, shame fear, confusion, and a sense of obligation against their targets because anyone in those states is easier to control vs someone who can see right through the BS.
And this is why as a coach and fellow survivor of narcissistic abuse myself, I can't stress the importance of doing the inner work.
Not only does doing the inner work help YOU live a life with a regulated nervous system, it also helps you become the human BS detector so you can actually see through the manipulation tactics as they happen.
This inner emotional work is something I help my clients with every day.
If you're interested in working with me, click here for all current options.
